OTHP (my photography)

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

should not be the same.

Up until now I had sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness, because none of it was ever worth the risk. But, you are the only exception....I've got a tight grip on reality but I can't let go of what's in front of me here.

Sooo, I only wish I had written those words. Props and thanks to Paramore.

There is an unbelievable amount of things I want to say, feelings to express, words that won't come out, in regards to this post. However, this is not the time nor the place. More-so not the time. What I'll do is break down the lyrics from the song I started with:

I have been 110% content with loneliness! In fact, I had even stopped considering myself lonely. In the words of my Johnny-boy Mayer, I was "perfectly lonely"! That song had become my anthem. It gave me an appreciation for my current "status" along with hope for my future (see lyrics below).

"And this is not to say
There never comes a day
I'll take my chances and start again
And when I look behind
On all my younger times
I have to thank the wrongs that led me to a love so strong"

Prior to accepting my "perfectly lonely" self, you could have considered me a straight up man-hater. Straight up! I despised men a.k.a. b-o-y-s. I like Urban Dictionary's definition-A bitter woman who thinks all men are scum without reason, and hates a man just because he is of the male gender. It’s often the result of an [important] male figure in her life hurting her emotionally.

Bitter I was. I've been through my fair share of douche bags!

And with that I have totally lost my train of thought! Moving on....

"you are the only exception". This seems so silly to me but, I've met someone who in a short amount of time has become an exception to just about everything I've felt in the past few years. This "you" I speak of is trouble. Actually, I've just allowed it to make trouble. For me, no one else. I'm sure he has no clue! He is a man/boy/douche bag after all. He's an adorably attractive man with a cute boyish smile that has slight douche bag-ish tendencies because, again, he is a man. They all have that "quality".

See, now I have to stop this whole post because I'm going to start telling you why I think he's so great. That could take all night...no time for that.

I'll end with this, my fear is that I'll be "one of the guys". I-am-terrified!!! Backing off sounds like a good plan. Putting "who?" after his name ("__________ who?") and pretending to forget/not care works for a minute or two. "Running away" sounds awesome!!! I've inquired with a friend about staying at a vacation house for the weekend. Just me. No computer. "No" phone-it'll be on for emergency purposes ONLY. This idea came to me the other day after I realized I was letting Mr. Exception get to me. Things started looking up and I began to take over instead of continuing to pray and let God have control. No can do! I won't have that! I need to get away and put my priorities back in order. Think. Veg. Separate myself almost completely from everything.

Just to be clear, this little getaway is not just about Mr. Exception. I won't give him that much credit. I've been making some life changes, or trying to anyways, and some have already taken place, some have fallen through and some have yet to take effect. I need time to figure out what's next.

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